After I came out to my mother, my life didn't get any easier, things got much, much worse. Since I was still living at home I was under surveillance at all times. She started to complain about every single move I made. I would walk into the kitchen and she would say, " Why, do you walk like that? You never walked like that before." We would be having a pleasant conversation and out of the blue she would say, "Why do you talk like that? Why do you gesture with your hands like that? You never used to act this way before." It was very annoying. In public, I wasn't allowed to look at anybody, as soon as she would suspect that I was looking at someone, holy-moly! The question master would come out, "Who is that? How do you know them? Why are you looking at them?" Yikes. It got to the point where I would just look down every time I was with her.
Sometimes I would argue with her, "Mother!" I would say, "I'am not acting any different, I've always walked like this, I've always talked this way. I'am sorry if I'am offending you, but what do you want me to do? I haven't changed, you're just finally noticing the things about me that you were choosing to ignore." And, I repeated this speech on numerous occasions. Sometimes I would ignore her, literally I would just walk away...well, I would roll my eyes and sashay away like the classy broad that I was.
Her denial was falling apart, her overtly feminine, straight son was now this flamboyant, raging queen prancing around the house like he was Miss America. She was getting desperate. She would wait up for me every time I would go out which is normal for a parent to do. However, aside from being worried about my safety, she was also worried about the "dirty" things I was doing. I'am no victim in this story friends, I was very mean to my mother. I would go out and stay out all night and I wouldn't come home until early in the morn, sometimes 5:00 a.m., sometimes 7:00 a.m., and I wasn't even twenty one years old yet. Every time she would always ask the same questions, "I know the bars and clubs close at 2:00 a.m., what are you doing after that? Where do you hang out?"and I would always respond with, "Do you really want to know what I was doing at three in the morning mother?" Then the look of death would appear on her face and I would giggle because alot of those crazy nights were spent at a restaurant. I was at Taco Bell or Whataburger and that's where my friends and I were being "dirty". It was innocent but since she was thinking otherwise I would just let her imagination run. "Take that!!" I would say to myself, "What do you think I was doing all night? Don't you know me at all?" It hurt me, her thoughts of what she thought I was doing hurt me. At the same time I couldn't help but feel a little sad inside because I was torturing my mother. But, she started it so I followed suit.
One time she invited a woman over to the house to meet me. Good Lord. I was at home one day and I had just gotten out of the shower so I was looking pretty sexy...not really, and my mother starts calling me into the living room. For people that do not know me I must point out that I have some vanity issues. I hate looking like crap in front of people, one of my mottos in life is to always look fabulous at all times. Anyway, I had just gotten out of the shower, and I'am wearing an old t-shirt and shorts (that didn't match), with no product in my hair, and I go into the living room and there's my mother sitting on the couch with this woman. My first reaction is, "fuck, I look like shit" as I stand there annoyed. So she very lovingly starts to introduce me to this young woman. Immediately I knew what my she was doing. My annoyance just kept growing, especially because I felt like this woman had some serious mental issues but that was just my first impression. She started acting really shy and giddy which was weird because I had heard her talking to my mom very confidently before I walked into the room and I swear she almost pissed in her pants when I said, "Hello" so I felt really awkward. Now I'am not ashamed to admit that it is very obvious that I'am gay. I'am very feminine and graceful so this girl's gay-dar must have been off that day because it was clear she liked me. Anyway, she starts talking to me real fast and nervous, asking me about school or work, who knows what, and the whole time she's talking I'am plotting revenge on my mother. I thought to myself, "what can I do to piss her off, hmm" So then it dawned on me, I knew what to do. So, I let this girl babble on for a few more minutes and then I interrupt her and say, "Oh my God! I love your shoes, where did you get them?" My mother immediately stares at me with the look of death. She replies with a giggle, "Aww thank you! I got them at Payless" in which I replay, " Yes...I know" and then I excuse myself and go to my room.
In my room, I can still hear them talking and I'am listening in on the conversation. This woman told my mother how handsome she thought I was...this woman is crazy. Once I hear the her leave I go into the living room ready to battle with my mother. She's very calm at this point and she looks at me and smiles."Isn't my friend pretty?" she asks, "Don't you just love her hair? She is so pretty. It was cute because when she left she made a joke and called me her mother-in-law, isn't that funny? " I was trying to remain calm so I just agreed with her, I tell her that I thought this woman was quite lovely and then I asked why she came. "Oh, well she had to drop off an order-form for some products and I told her I had a handsome son so she wanted to meet you." My patience all of a sudden just disappeared so I shouted, "For the love of God, Mother!! I'am gay!! You introducing me to a woman is not going to turn me straight no matter how pretty she is which by the way I feel like if I were straight, I could do better!!" My mother is still very calm, she continues,"I know you're gay, I do, I just thought you and her might get along, her and her husband aren't doing very well so she needs a friend." "Husband?" I shouted. "You mean to tell me you invited a woman over to meet me and she's married? You invited a married woman to come and meet me? A married woman? Oh, so not only do you want me to be straight but you want me to be the other guy?! What the hell is wrong with you?!" She doesn't respond. She just looks at me with a smile and then she stands up from her chair and then says,"I think she's nice" and walks away. This just left me dumb founded and I just sat there in the living room for a few minutes alone.
Looking back at these moments I'am now in a good place in my life where I can remember these moments and laugh. Not going to lie friends, not all those nights were innocent, but I'm sure they weren't half as bad as she thought they were...well some may have been but that's another story, never mind. Anyway, I do want to point out that my mother wasn't all horrible. She tried to be rational about my fabulousness. I didn't mention this earlier but when I told her I was gay, after all the arguing and crying occurred she did tell me this, she said, "Mijo, I love you and I will always love you. You could be a murderer, a drug addict, a thief and I would still love you, you're my son and there is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you." Granted, it sounded like she was comparing being gay with being pure evil but I understood what she was trying to say. She loved me no matter what, I could do no wrong and although she was still hoping that my phase would go away, she still loved me. I've said this before, my mom and I are doing much better now but the process was painful. For awhile I felt that I would have to end my relationship with her, that her and I would never be on the same wave length. Thank heavens I was wrong. Until next time friends, stay fabulous!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I tell my mother I'am gay
You would think that after coming out to a entire school bus that I would be more comfortable coming out to my mother. Incorrect friends, I was still super scared to tell my parents. I was afraid they would kick me out of the house. I would get abandoned by them and end up on the street which would later on lead to drugs and prostitution, then my life would be like a character in a made-for-t.v. movie aired on Lifetime, leader in women's television. I couldn't do it.
I didn't actually come out to my mother until the age of nineteen. At that point high school was over and done with, I had a somewhat stable job in the wonderful world of customer service (sarcasm), and I had already gone to my first gay bar. At that point the time had come! Also what pulled the trigger was my mother's constant complaining about why I didn't have any girlfriends, why were all my friends men, why wasn't I being a man-whore with numerous women. Well...she didn't say man-whore but she did tell me that as a man I should be playing the field and try to hook up with as many ladies as possible while I was still young. Don't judge friends, she just comes from a different time.
Anyway, one night when my father and brother were spending the night at my grandmother's house I had a talk with my mom. She started to once again complain about the absence of women in my life. I finally had it with all that nonsense talk and flat out told her. I said, "Mom, I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and I finally have come to terms with that fact that I'am gay." After an awkward gasp, she yelled," So you're telling me that you're attracted to men?!" Another awkward gasp occurred, then I said, "yes." Then she repeated her statement and I said, "yes." The kitchen went silent, then suddenly she started to mumble, "No, no, no, no, no, you're not gay, no, no, no, no, you don't know what you are saying, no,no,no,no,no." And although I was in tears, and although it wasn't the time for it, I kind of giggled and responded with, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...I'am gay." and then she went on with her no, no, no and then I kept on with my yes, yes,yes and that lasted for about two minutes then finally she moved on with other words. " You can't be gay, you don't even now what that is. No, it's just a phase, you've been hanging out with the wrong crowd, I knew your friends were gay but not you!" And then I tried to explain to my mother that the reason we were friends was because we all were gay but she wasn't having it.
My mother just kept on telling me about her theory that my friends were to blame and that this phase I was going through would pass. She then proceeded to tell me that she never suspected, that this was "such a shock." Again, I made an inappropriate comment, I said," Mom! This is not a phase, if it were a phase then it started when I was four years old, when you bought me Cyndi Lauper's record because you knew that my favorite song was "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" also when you bought me Culture Club's greatest hits!!!!! Really mother, this is a shock? Really?! If you feel that this shocker is just a phase then this phase is still going and probably won't stop until I die!" More no, no, no's happened. Finally, after about two hours we both calmed down.
I couldn't believe it. One time in high school, she had caught me acting really gay (you know, twirling, dancing girly, gossiping, like young gays do) with some of my girl-friends at school and when I got home she yelled at me and asked me if I was gay and I told her in a very polite way that I wasn't and I was just making a joke. Years later I finally tell her I was gay and she doesn't believe me...denial at it's best. I love my mother I really do, it took a couple of years but we are in a good place when it comes to my fabulousness. She finally understands me and she no longer feels that someday my phase will end. I feel like we have come a long way since I was nineteen but that process was a BITCH! It was worth it though. Coming out to my mother was one of the best things I have ever done. I do not regret it, she probably still wishes that day never happened but like I said, we are in a better place now. Until next time friends, stay fabulous!!
I didn't actually come out to my mother until the age of nineteen. At that point high school was over and done with, I had a somewhat stable job in the wonderful world of customer service (sarcasm), and I had already gone to my first gay bar. At that point the time had come! Also what pulled the trigger was my mother's constant complaining about why I didn't have any girlfriends, why were all my friends men, why wasn't I being a man-whore with numerous women. Well...she didn't say man-whore but she did tell me that as a man I should be playing the field and try to hook up with as many ladies as possible while I was still young. Don't judge friends, she just comes from a different time.
Anyway, one night when my father and brother were spending the night at my grandmother's house I had a talk with my mom. She started to once again complain about the absence of women in my life. I finally had it with all that nonsense talk and flat out told her. I said, "Mom, I've been going through a lot of emotions lately and I finally have come to terms with that fact that I'am gay." After an awkward gasp, she yelled," So you're telling me that you're attracted to men?!" Another awkward gasp occurred, then I said, "yes." Then she repeated her statement and I said, "yes." The kitchen went silent, then suddenly she started to mumble, "No, no, no, no, no, you're not gay, no, no, no, no, you don't know what you are saying, no,no,no,no,no." And although I was in tears, and although it wasn't the time for it, I kind of giggled and responded with, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...I'am gay." and then she went on with her no, no, no and then I kept on with my yes, yes,yes and that lasted for about two minutes then finally she moved on with other words. " You can't be gay, you don't even now what that is. No, it's just a phase, you've been hanging out with the wrong crowd, I knew your friends were gay but not you!" And then I tried to explain to my mother that the reason we were friends was because we all were gay but she wasn't having it.
My mother just kept on telling me about her theory that my friends were to blame and that this phase I was going through would pass. She then proceeded to tell me that she never suspected, that this was "such a shock." Again, I made an inappropriate comment, I said," Mom! This is not a phase, if it were a phase then it started when I was four years old, when you bought me Cyndi Lauper's record because you knew that my favorite song was "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" also when you bought me Culture Club's greatest hits!!!!! Really mother, this is a shock? Really?! If you feel that this shocker is just a phase then this phase is still going and probably won't stop until I die!" More no, no, no's happened. Finally, after about two hours we both calmed down.
I couldn't believe it. One time in high school, she had caught me acting really gay (you know, twirling, dancing girly, gossiping, like young gays do) with some of my girl-friends at school and when I got home she yelled at me and asked me if I was gay and I told her in a very polite way that I wasn't and I was just making a joke. Years later I finally tell her I was gay and she doesn't believe me...denial at it's best. I love my mother I really do, it took a couple of years but we are in a good place when it comes to my fabulousness. She finally understands me and she no longer feels that someday my phase will end. I feel like we have come a long way since I was nineteen but that process was a BITCH! It was worth it though. Coming out to my mother was one of the best things I have ever done. I do not regret it, she probably still wishes that day never happened but like I said, we are in a better place now. Until next time friends, stay fabulous!!
Friday, April 5, 2013
So here it is folks, my 4th attempt to start and continue a blog! This blog is going to be about me and my ridiculous life. You know, so many weird things happen in my life. I meet so many people of different backgrounds, lifestyles, personalities, etc. The relationships I make and choose to keep are sometimes a wonder on their own. I love my life, I want everyone to experience it. I love where my life is going. I have so many ups and downs it's like a wild roller coaster ride, so basically my life is awesome!
I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, I work in the theater community. I'am an actor/singer/box office rep/comedian/diva I do it all...except pose nude. I'am a classy broad after all. I'am originally from El Paso, Texas, born and raised Texan, grew up then realized Texas is not for me. I love my home in El Paso, I love my family in El Paso, I love my friends in El Paso, I love the name El Paso (there's even a song called "El Paso") but I hate El Paso. Let's just say being gay in El Paso is like being a prostitute in a convent. It's like nobody's ok with it, some people judge you verbally, some judge you in silence, and the rest pray for your sins at all times. I'm sure things are better now in El Paso, however for my own sanity I choose to not live there ever again.
Coming out was hard, I'm not saying it was harder for me than anyone else but it was hard. Although me being me, I came out in a spectacular way. I did it on the last day of my sophomore year of high school. I was on a school bus with my high school band (nerd alert), and some of my fellow band members were teasing me about being so feminine and ...straight. I wasn't being bullied, I mean they weren't calling me faggot or anything to that extent, it was just this awkward banter. What they were basically doing is trying to get me to come out. So finally after thirty minutes of my band mates acting stupid, I did it!! I stood up and looked at everyone and I shouted," Yes! I'am gay!! And I'am not attracted to any of you so fuck off!" At that moment the whole bus was silent, for about two minutes, then one of my friends shouted," We know, it's about time! Congratulations."
For the remaining of the bus ride, it was pretty quiet. People would try to talk to me but I wasn't haven't it. I was upset. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't feel like a different person. I was so mad at everyone, I was so mad that I was forced to come out. At the same time, it was pretty silly of me to be in the closest because I was pretty gay in high school. I mean I might as well of worn a rainbow flag, with hot pink, spiked heels and a tiara everyday. Having said that, I think I may have thought of my next Halloween costume...we'll see. Anyway, when we got back to school the news of me coming out spread like wildflower, I mean within seconds of me getting off the bus people who rode on the other bus were coming up to me asking all these questions and telling how happy they were for me and of course I had a constant reminder of "I knew it" from many of my friends. That day was insane.
Since it was the last day of school, I had the whole summer to avoid everyone. That summer was very confusing for me. Now that I had gone public with my fabulousness I wasn't sure how to act in front of my peers. I didn't feel comfortable with myself, I felt like I was now on display to the world (high school world, not everyone world) I was the big, gay guy now. I wasn't the big, gay, Mexican because the majority of my high school was Mexican so I was just the big gay! As time went by I started to become more and more comfortable with being gay and open about it. I hadn't come out to my parents yet but that story I feel I shall save for a later post.
So there you have it folks, the beginning of an era, the big, gay Mexican came out of the closet at the age of sixteen and he hasn't looked back since!! Thank you all for reading my first post on my new blog. I do hope it this was somewhat enjoyable. Please forgive my grammar, I'm still learning, even though I graduated from college four years ago...Peace out Loves!!
I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, I work in the theater community. I'am an actor/singer/box office rep/comedian/diva I do it all...except pose nude. I'am a classy broad after all. I'am originally from El Paso, Texas, born and raised Texan, grew up then realized Texas is not for me. I love my home in El Paso, I love my family in El Paso, I love my friends in El Paso, I love the name El Paso (there's even a song called "El Paso") but I hate El Paso. Let's just say being gay in El Paso is like being a prostitute in a convent. It's like nobody's ok with it, some people judge you verbally, some judge you in silence, and the rest pray for your sins at all times. I'm sure things are better now in El Paso, however for my own sanity I choose to not live there ever again.
Coming out was hard, I'm not saying it was harder for me than anyone else but it was hard. Although me being me, I came out in a spectacular way. I did it on the last day of my sophomore year of high school. I was on a school bus with my high school band (nerd alert), and some of my fellow band members were teasing me about being so feminine and ...straight. I wasn't being bullied, I mean they weren't calling me faggot or anything to that extent, it was just this awkward banter. What they were basically doing is trying to get me to come out. So finally after thirty minutes of my band mates acting stupid, I did it!! I stood up and looked at everyone and I shouted," Yes! I'am gay!! And I'am not attracted to any of you so fuck off!" At that moment the whole bus was silent, for about two minutes, then one of my friends shouted," We know, it's about time! Congratulations."
For the remaining of the bus ride, it was pretty quiet. People would try to talk to me but I wasn't haven't it. I was upset. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't feel like a different person. I was so mad at everyone, I was so mad that I was forced to come out. At the same time, it was pretty silly of me to be in the closest because I was pretty gay in high school. I mean I might as well of worn a rainbow flag, with hot pink, spiked heels and a tiara everyday. Having said that, I think I may have thought of my next Halloween costume...we'll see. Anyway, when we got back to school the news of me coming out spread like wildflower, I mean within seconds of me getting off the bus people who rode on the other bus were coming up to me asking all these questions and telling how happy they were for me and of course I had a constant reminder of "I knew it" from many of my friends. That day was insane.
Since it was the last day of school, I had the whole summer to avoid everyone. That summer was very confusing for me. Now that I had gone public with my fabulousness I wasn't sure how to act in front of my peers. I didn't feel comfortable with myself, I felt like I was now on display to the world (high school world, not everyone world) I was the big, gay guy now. I wasn't the big, gay, Mexican because the majority of my high school was Mexican so I was just the big gay! As time went by I started to become more and more comfortable with being gay and open about it. I hadn't come out to my parents yet but that story I feel I shall save for a later post.
So there you have it folks, the beginning of an era, the big, gay Mexican came out of the closet at the age of sixteen and he hasn't looked back since!! Thank you all for reading my first post on my new blog. I do hope it this was somewhat enjoyable. Please forgive my grammar, I'm still learning, even though I graduated from college four years ago...Peace out Loves!!
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